Monday, September 29, 2003

I was pondering today on the mentality of the person who gets angry with and then ignores his friends. Of course, there must have been a triggering factor for this ponderous tendency. Well, since sometime in the middle of last week, W (this is not his initial – I realize you can only use initials for so many people until the alphabets start overlapping) got quite angry with Mr. Vulgar, H and WM, the reason for which I gathered has to do with the latter three not wanting to go for a farewell party on Sunday for this friend of theirs who is flying off to the UK this week. He started ignoring them, and just today Mr. Vulgar exclaimed that he was getting fed up with W’s so-called “attitude”. That’s when I thought, you don’t know anything about ignoring people.

I’ve been there many times myself. I’ve been the ignorer, the ignored, enough times to begin to grasp the things going through the mind of a person who decides to ignore someone else out of pique. This is of course different from ignoring someone because you can’t stand him/her or don’t want to be friends with him/her. When I asked WM if he wanted to hear my analysis of ignoring, he thought I was talking about the latter, which got me irritated, as always. Just about as sensitive as rocks, these people.

What initiates a flare of anger that leads to a person ignoring others? Most of the time, I feel that it’s because party A feels that he’s not being taken seriously by party B, and that really irritates A. This resentment at being taken for a joke builds up, until one day party A eventually snaps and ignores B. In truth, ignoring B really hurts A, because B might be very good friends with A, and if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that being angry at your good friend is really painful. A starts regretting ignoring B, but is resolved to continue, since A feels that only in this way will B ever take him seriously. A might also think that it was all B’s fault in the first place, so unless B apologizes, A will go on ignoring B, no matter how painful. A very torturous cycle, but unless a compromise is made by either A or B, or both, it is difficult to break it. Especially when A refuses to forgive B, and B doesn’t see the need to make any apology, as he does not see his error. The situation worsens when B gets fed up with A, thinking that A is petty and unforgiving.

What is the solution? The best thing is to get B to talk to A after A’s temper has cooled a bit. Chances are, if A regrets starting the cold war in the first place, he’ll respond with sullenness and eventually break down the wall to reform the friendship, even if A does not offer an apology. All parties are happy.

I have initiated and been on the receiving end of too many cold wars to not see the folly in such a futile, pernicious cycle of events. It is just like violence, which simply begets more violence, hurting all parties in the end. I do not tend to initiate cold wars, and if I’m involved in one, I see the wisdom in being the party that compromises. What is important is the friendship. All talk of pride and ego is nothing compared to a fast friendship, which is irreplaceable. Of course, if you feel that the friendship is not worth the effort, it might be best to let it go, since there is no logic in continuing a friendship where one has to bend himself over backwards to suit the other.

A cold war may seem like a very petty thing initiated by petty people, but sometimes it is coldly logical, and cannot be helped. The complexities of friendship are not so easy to understand, and my analysis is at most only partly correct, since there are always exceptions to any general rule. What I’ve said is based on my personal experiences, and perhaps the actual factors are subject to variations in the personality of the person(s) involved.

My point is, it takes two hands to clap, so both parties have to work to make a friendship work, otherwise it is most certainly bound for disaster.

Avaris / 9/29/2003 08:35:00 PM

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