Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Just a little more about my views on friendship. At times, like I’ve said before, I feel that the friendships I have are so superficial. Instead of calling them friendships, I think of them more as professional relationships between people with both parties being the beneficiary of something the other can provide. In the eyes of other people, I am useful because I am “smart”, and they hope for this to rub off on them. But what do I get out of it? I’ve thought long and hard about this, and I think I’m learning how it is like to be a human being. Weird, you think? Well, I don’t really think I’m very human at all.

I’ve had the feeling for a very long time – that I’ve lost out on too much in life, and I’ve grown up to become someone who is divorced from reality, so much so that I do not know how to relate to others and form social interactions like everyone else can. I should think that most people find me likeable, but hardly a true friend in every sense of the word. Maybe it’s just me. I feel that I’m living behind this mask, that what people know of me is not the “real” me. To be absolutely honest, I don’t know the “real” me either, and I am afraid to find out. I have no confidence in myself to face up to what I really am because I fear that I will hate the truth, and that will be the end of me. Precisely. I have this feeling of inferiority; that whatever I do, however hard I try, I will never be better than anyone. It is the feeling of the weak, the oppressed, the feeling that one person will never make a difference, the feeling that no miracle will save you because you’re unworthy of even the smallest miracle, the slightest blessing. Well, a little over-dramatic, perhaps.

Sometimes, I wonder to myself, what brought me to this state of affairs today? If I had any control over my past, would I change it to create a different person from what I am today? And yet, for all my failings, I love myself for what I am today, and I see no point in brooding about the past. After all, I’ve lived as I have for nearly two decades, and I’ve gotten used to this kind of life. Sometimes I feel that my mind is my only pillar of support, the only thing that keeps me going when no one else cares for me. No matter what, I must fulfill my ambition of becoming a doctor.

I know I will never rid myself of the loneliness that plagues me. Maybe it is my destiny to be lonely in life. I suppose we can only accept what fate provides us with, and learn to be happy with it. I tell myself sometimes that it doesn’t matter, yet deep down I hurt so badly. I do not understand why it hurts. I do not know why I feel like I’m deluding myself with lies, and yet lies are the only comfort I can give to my tortured heart.

Who will understand? And yet, I need someone to understand. Someone to care. But I do not know how to care for others, so how can I expect others to care for me? Delusions.

Avaris / 9/16/2003 08:46:00 PM

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