Tuesday, September 09, 2003
So.
I've started my very own weblog. Amazing, considering I just told Em and WM on Sunday that I couldn't write a weblog since I only have 13 hours of Internet usage time a month and my typing speed is abominably slow. How ironic.
I just feel like I have to write all these things I'm feeling down somewhere just to get them off my chest.
I'm starting to wonder if this was just such a good idea. I mean, part of me doesn't want people I know coming across all this rubbish I'm writing and yet part of me finds it thrilling. I'm just full of contradictions - that's one reason I'm so troubled; everytime I try to resolve my internal conflicts by reasoning them out I just end up getting trapped in mindless logic loops that just get me more confused. I suppose there's just so far logic can bring you, eh? Especially if we're talking about my personality, which I think will confuse most psychologists.
So the thing is, I would like people to read what I'm writing, so that they can understand me better, but I don't want to know that they are reading it, because I would be quite understandably embarrassed. After all, no one goes telling everyone he knows what he feels. Well maybe some people do; I certainly don't. I guess deep down I'm still a lousy Asian conservative who thinks exposing one's feelings is not very...appropriate. It's not that I think it's a sign of weakness, but it's like washing your dirty linen in public (haha yes with the kind of thoughts that go through my mind every day it's like pretty filthy linen - you don't even want to know half of it, believe me).
Of course, I would really like to read blogs of people I know, to get to know them better. I just read CG's blog and I was like, wow, his blog is amazing. Seriously, I think my blog is a million times more hypocritical, mundane, and superficial compared to his. It's like reading a social commentary half the time. His mind is seriously brilliant; no wonder he finds it hard to fit in with others.
My blog is no social commentary, I can assure you. It's just a satiation of my desire to write and to WHINE. Ok, even though I don't like admitting it, I am a big whiner. I just like to bitch about everything I see. I usually don't bother whining to others though, because I really hate people to whine (another contradiction - maybe I should start a list of how many contradictions I possess). I mean, when people start complaining, I'm like, Do you see me complaining? Oh don't get me started, I beg you. I can just go on forever.
Most of the time I just bitch to myself when I'm walking around, so people get very disturbed when they see me walking around talking to myself. It's quite a self-indulgent hobby of sorts, and I sometimes like to talk in different accents just to affect some personality. I love British. It's just so...quaint and colonial. So stiff upper lip.
So much rubbish, and I haven't even got to what is troubling me. This is very disturbing. I'm worried that this blog thing could develop into some self-perpetuating addiction. I must admit, it is extremely cathartic to just write crap. I feel a lot happier already haha.
Avaris / 9/09/2003 06:43:00 PM
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