Tuesday, September 09, 2003
What is this world coming to? That's my point, I believe. Why do perfectly sane people sign up with the friggin' SAF of all things? And to be a medical officer, of all things? Ok, I must admit the monetary perks are pretty appealing, and maybe they don't have the same perception of the military that I do. But for me, it's like selling your soul! It's nowhere near PSC, I assure you. I mean, other people sign on with the SAF because of job security, because they like the order and regime in the army, because they believe the chances of promotion are better. But as a doctor? Seriously, tell anyone that newly graduated doctors have problems finding jobs and watch how they laugh in your face. The medical profession is the most stable or one of the most stable professions. So does that eliminate job security as a reason?
WM was telling me on Monday that people who sign on with the military are fascists at heart - they cannot stand disorder and so they crave regime and system. I don't know. I'm a perfectionist and a control freak, but I also acknowledge that some things are beyond our control. So they like controlling soldiers? They like commanding respect from others? Can't you do that as a civilian.
I know they may disagree, but I think it's just the appeal of money and a quick rise in ranks as well as the promise of specialisation when their peers are still slogging it out as junior doctors. For them, the military is a piece of cake. After all, they've lived through that hellhole called OCS, haven't they. Unlike me. I was enjoying the high life doing nothing but studying in the Provost Unit. Such a wonderful place, SAFPU. More about that later.
Back to the main point; I'm starting to break up and sound schizophrenic. It's like selling your soul, you know. That's how I feel. It's like they gave in to temptation and gave up something without knowing what they were giving up, or worse, not even knowing that they were giving something up.
The thing is, when it comes down to it, I'm just not a military kind of person. Although I am a perfectionist and a control freak, I hate the army. That's another long story for another time, I believe. The way the army works is just anathema to the way my mind works. Added to that is the fact that my athletic prowess is just about nonexistent. In fact, if there were a point scale for athleticity, I would be lost somewhere in negative infinity. It's simply impossible for me to change a mindset that I've had for the past 18 years. I hate exercise of any sort. In my opinion, merits of exercise are only justified on the basis of health science, and I totally agree with the scientific facts, but I adamantly refuse to actively take part in exercise unless forced into it by situations beyond my control e.g. the army. To me, somehow, it's like an adamant refusal to eat durians. I fear that if I just try it once, I might end up liking it. It's ridiculous, I know, but I'm sure some people will refuse to try something they've always disliked. For me, I simply can't imagine succumbing to that ominous gloating presence. I feel uneasy just writing about this. I just can't express it entirely to explain it; I can only give a rough outline. It may seem silly, but it's just a psychological barrier that you never want to break through.
I think I get it.
Yes, I think I do. I'm starting to understand it. Amazing.
I believe that I cling on to these weaknesses and fears and disablities because I think they define me as a person. I think that from the time I was young, I've never been able to fit in with others. I've never been able to find out what defined me as a human being. I could never find any singular merit in me that wasn't found in just about everyone else, so I clung on to all my disabilities like my inability to swim or cycle or participate in sports of any kind due to my psychomotor disorder, and all my fears, of heights and darkness and things borne of my imagination. I just wanted to be different. not just different, but outstandingly different. If you ask me now, I wouldn't be able to tell you when this started, but I believe it must have been a multifactorial contribution to a peculiar personality. I want to be the best in the things I'm good in, but I never am. I'm intelligent, yes, but that's only because I have a good memory and I'm exam smart. I can never be as good as other people who are driven by curiosity and have much more brilliant minds than I do. So I'm good at drawing, but only marginally. I'm only good at copying drawings that other people have done. I have no colour sense and limited imagination. I'm lousy at reading; people can finish books in one day but I take 2 weeks.
Amazing. I've just discovered why I choose to be so different from every other person out there. I'm not even sure if it's just a subconscious craving for the attention of others, but it's a part of me and I've learnt to accept it. My stubborn character also means that I'll never be willing to change this. Why? I'm so troubled by my imperfection...did I tell you I'm a perfectionist?
Oh yes, back to the main topic. So after hearing this (the LSA rubbish, I mean), I sat there, dumbfounded, thinking, what has this world come to? And what I'd been feeling all these weeks about the wall between me and H came back to hit me over the head in full gloating force. And I started wondering how I'd survive the medical officers' conversion course in OCS/SMM with all these people all so much fitter than I am, and all the people who could empathise with me being pes c and e and all. I got hit by this wave of inexplicable fear and sadness which got me feeling very uneasy, like some impending doom was on its way. I started wondering whether it was such a good idea that I had disrupted. For all the enthusiasm with which I fled the SAF, I really loved the Provost Unit for being the mildly anarchic and laid-back unit that it was (compared to the rest of the army) and I genuinely felt saddened to leave it.
So this wave of melancholy washed over me, and I was so emotionally distraught (so much like that time in BMT before the OC's evening...) that I couldn't pay attention to much of the lecture. That's when I thought writing it all down would help.
Avaris / 9/09/2003 09:45:00 PM
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