Thursday, October 23, 2003

I'm quite confused. I think blogs are wonderful since I can say anything I want because I don't need to say things that are pleasing to others, and that is precisely the reason why I created this wonderfully purple blog site. If that should be so, I should be happy just putting ideas into an anonymous weblog, as a vent for weird thoughts, but somehow, you feel that you would like some people you know to read the blog. And when people start reading the blog, you start feeling paranoid about what they might start to wonder about you. It's one of those paradoxical situations that I find impossible to understand, let alone explain. I wonder if it's just me, or there are other people who feel like that. I was just reading some of my past entries, and I find some of the more recent ones to be rather defensive of my entries on the blog. It's starting to peeve me that I'm starting to succumb yet again to what I think people think is appropriate and to leave out the inappropriate stuff. I've really had it with being politically correct, but I can't shake it off. Sometimes I feel that it's so deeply ingrained in me that I'll never be completely free of it; that it somehow insidiously influences my actions and thoughts. Argh.

I feel that it's so difficult to make friends when people you meet already have preformed conceptions about you, which have an imperceptibly strong influence on the direction in which they steer conversations with you, and the commitment they place in the friendship, if it can even be called friendship and not aquaintance. Sometimes I feel that I expect myself to be more than I can realistically achieve, but I suppose it's natural for people to have high expectations on themselves if they want to succeed in life, ja? But the question that remains is - have I put too much emphasis on expanding my assets that I've ended up losing that which is unique to me? Am I imperceptibly sculpting my personality from amassing traits that I like in the people I know? It makes me feel like I treat myself as a character in a game that I can mould to my liking. Where does reality end and the alternative begin? How do I even know which reality is real?

That aside, let's get back to the main point and not descend into a Matrix-inspired homily. I'm quite disturbed when I'm introduced to another medical student I don't know and find that the other party has actually heard of me. Even worse is when they call me the "MQ top-scorer" or the "RJ shen". For sure, it's quite a pleasure to find that your reputation is that good, but to have your reputation precede you is not necessarily a good thing. That's why I was talking about preformed conceptions. If someone already expects you to be such-and-such a person, you can hardly divorce yourself from that template they've put you in, no? I mean, I was telling Shermin and Seow Yen my dumb elephant joke yesterday, and they were quite surprised that I could actually joke. You mean I don't have a sense of humour? If that's the sort of impression I'm giving others - that I'm a prude - I really don't know what to say.

And you start thinking, this Andre is really difficult to satisfy, huh? First, he says he doesn't want people to think he's some nutcase, and then he says he doesn't like being taken for a prude. So what do I really want? Honestly, I don't know. It's one of those paradoxes again, and yes, I'm not an easily satisfied person. I think, ultimately, I want people to know I'm human (even if I don't think I'm human) and that I'm not someone who is difficult to get to know. It's my fault, actually. For no reason that I can fathom, I'm quite cautious about making new friends, and I'm usually quite wary of new people. It takes a pretty long time, compared to the norm, for me to warm up to someone I don't know, as I am quite tentative about committing to friendships. It's not a surprise that the results of my 16PF test say I'm someone who "plays his cards very close to his chest". Perhaps it's just that I prefer an assuring constancy to a challenging flux in terms of the interpersonal relationships I have, since I'm too easily hurt by others. Sigh.

There are just some people that I really hit it off with, and it seems I've had a few of these ever since primary school to jc. People like ZF, SY, H, JAow, WM. I'm normally a person who fails miserably at small talk, and yet with these people I feel like I can talk forever and not run out of things to say. There's just that kind of chemistry there, which is most probably a result of complementary personalities. It sometimes feels like I'm genuinely blessed to have such good friends to share my journey through life.

That sort of brings me to something I've been thinking about for the past few weeks, that I haven't been able to explain or shake off. I somehow feel that my relationship with WM feels more than a friendship to me. I've been feeling this peculiar affection for him that I've never felt with another friend. It compels me to protect him, to forgive him no matter what he's done wrong. It feels most strange and I cannot put an explanation to it. I can only hypothesize, in a way, that it is a motherly kind of feeling. But why would I feel motherly? I wonder if it's because, in my eyes, WM seems like a nonsensical, naughty little boy, that I feel this sense of protectiveness. Lately, I've been feeling even more weird emotions. I sometimes feel a tad disappointed when I don't get to eat lunch with him, but then this little voice in my head goes, "Andre, he's grown up already. You can't keep him by your side all the time. You have to let him go sometimes." How shocking is that? I really wonder if that's how parents feel about their children. I'll probably never know, but if this is how it truly feels, then I must say it's a really wonderful thing indeed to be a parent. It really warms your heart to care for someone in this manner. I'm even beginning to feel this sense of pride when I see him (pride and joy indeed). It relly adds this additional level of complexity to the equation. It is now so much more than Lord John Grey and Jamie Fraser. Ok, I'm starting to suspect my sanity here.

I really hope WM doesn't happen to read this. He'll probably run as far from me as he can get when he reads it, knowing him. But ah, it is truly a wonderful feeling indeed. Maybe I'm entering a new phase of my life, to yearn towards parenthood. A bit early for that, I might say, but better now than never. :)

Avaris / 10/23/2003 03:55:00 PM

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