Thursday, October 16, 2003

Sometimes I wonder. I wonder what kind of image people conjure of me when they read this blog. People who don't know me will probably think this is some psychotic anal-retentive typical Singaporean - complaining about everything under the sun.

I do not deny that my weblog is a tad overdosed with lambasts and strong opinions. That is merely something to be expected. I never set up a weblog with the intention of making it a warm and cuddly website that documents the mundane everyday events in my uninteresting medical student life. The entire purpose of this weblog, to me, is as a vent. It's true that I do possess a incredibly narrow view of the world, and I tend to get irritated at small things. It's irrational, but also oddly addictive and self-perpetuating. Sometimes I build up a lot of this negative energy because I don't let it out on others - it's simply not nice. I've found that if I don't let these bad things out, I get pretty cranky and collateral damage is inevitable.

A weblog is perfect for my purposes. I get to release all the pent-up frustration, without much fear for judgement by others that I'm being irrational. Because this is my weblog, I can be as irrational as I like. As I like to think, I feel that on this weblog, my politically incorrect alter-ego has free rein. It is an extension of my irrational, emotional, screw-loose self, a place where I can be as crazy as I want. Which is the reason why the Andre you see reading this blog is remarkably different and yet subtly similar to the Andre you know. Quaint.

I wonder to myself, why do I wonder what others think of what I've written. Is it important to me what kind of impression I'm giving others? Not surprisingly, the answer is yes. I try to deny it, but somewhere in my subconscious it registers that appearances matter. I suppose in this material world appearances are everything. It doesn't matter what you really are. As long as you package yourself in an appealing manner, people will naturally gravitate to you. Sometimes I feel this isn't right, that this shouldn't be the case, but find it difficult to convince myself that I don't feel this way. It seems that putting on false appearances has become second nature to many veterans of the complex social interplay that dominate the workplace. It makes me wonder whether I'm a facade myself, that I've buried all the unappealing aspects of my personality so deep I don't realise they even existed. Am I living in a self-perpetuated delusion of my identity?

It's very disheartening to start thinking like this, because before long you start being suspicious about whether the good intentions of people around you are masking some hidden motive. It's such a bleak view of the world where no one does a good deed out of their inherent kindness, where altruism has descended into a morass, becoming a mathematical equation weighing effort against profit. It's terrible to admit this, but sometimes I've thought, Oh, let me do something nice so that people will think I'm kind and helpful. And yet, the thought that I've done something to help others makes me feel good, so maybe the self-satisfaction derived from helping others is not totally nonexistent. It makes me guilty, for thinking such terrible mercenary thoughts. The Dark Side has a frighteningly strong influence on my mind, and I fear that one day I might succumb. How to fight it? How to stop the inexorable pull? Let's just hope my willpower is strong enough to overcome that attraction.

It's quite amusing, sometimes, to assume some one-tracked facet of my personality and go on and on, but the result, I must say, is disconcerting, even to my eyes. Oh well, van Gogh did compose beautiful pieces of artwork while mentally unstable. This makes my entries more colourful, I must say.

WM mentioned that he might go into psychology. If that happens, I believe he would find a most eager and yet confounding patient in me. I can only try the very best to analyse my personality and idiosyncrasies, and these analyses may be flawed because of inherent bias when self is involved, or because of self-denial. Some secrets will only be safe locked up and buried deep.

On to other things then.

Some events of note happened today. I was studying in the library with WM before lunch when I got struck by a moment of peace. You know, it's one of those short-lived moments when everything about you seems to blend into a grand tapestry of serenity. Every detail is crystal clear, and you feel at one with the world, in phase with the imperceptible heartbeat of nature. I was just sitting at that corner, looking at WM lying sprawled across the table, and then out the window, to the beautiful gymnosperms lining the road, scattering their fine needles on the sunlit paths, bordered by radiantly lush grass. Everything was delineated in undescribable beauty, in seamless congruity. Such wonder. I haven't experienced one of these events in a very long time. Like a blessing, to be allowed that one moment, to experience the boundless beauty of Nature, even ironically within a man-made building. My mood was immensely uplifted by that one moment, and the day suddenly seemed more beautiful.

Such a marked difference between the first and second parts of my entry. Oh well, nothing to be done about that..

Avaris / 10/16/2003 10:06:00 PM

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