Thursday, December 11, 2003
What a miserable day. I went out with my parents to Orchard Road and ended up feeling terrible. One thing I can tell you is that you should not go shopping if you're bankrupt. Being unable to buy all the things you really want can only be described as abject suffering. Oh well, I suppose the thing is they are just things that I want, and not need, so buying is not really that important, but it kind of takes the fun out of shopping. I hope my parents caught some of the hints I was dropping and buy something for me for Christmas... but I'll be happy with any present even if it isn't my "dream present". After all, it is Christmas.
~~sidetrack~~
Have I told you that I think Love Actually is a wonderful movie? It is, it is! Well, now I'm telling you, am I not? I think the soundtrack is splendid, too, so I went out and bought it. That contributed in part to my financial distress, but the soundtrack is indeed well worth the money. I love those slow songs that you can listen to on a rainy day with a hot cup of tea (any kind, though I prefer Earl Grey) and get misty-eyed reflecting on life and love. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view), I really haven't had much experience with love, and I do think it would have been nice to watch the movie with your loved one.
I think what really touched a chord somewhere within me was that really really tear-inducing scene of Emma Thompson crying in her bedroom. And when she has to be strong in front of her children when she's breaking up inside. So sad. And with Joni Mitchell playing in the background too (I have decided that Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now is the most tear-inducing track in the OST; I love it). And I wonder, where do they go from there? Can she find it within herself to forgive her husband? Is it impossible that things will return to how they were before? And will she do it because she still loves him or because of their children?
These questions are still plaguing me. I did consider asking my mother, but that would most probably be rather inappropriate, no? I don't think I would understand either.
~~end~~
Well anyway, as I was saying before that uninvited sidetrack (sometimes you just can't control the flow of thoughts...), it was a most miserable day indeed. Of course, I got paid a visit by that unwelcome entity called Melancholy, in one of those inexplicable monthly episodes. Bah.
I realised, though, that these episodes are particularly conducive for deep reflection, because I feel more detached from the world, more impassionate. And it is then that I think about issues in a coldly logical manner, without interference from my more emotional self. The strangely mutualistic thing about melancholy and reflection is that while melancholy aids reflection, after some serious thinking the melancholy dissipates. Which is why I don't usually try to suppress my melancholy by thinking happy thoughts (not that that works anyway) as that usually backfires and the melancholy returns stronger than ever. So I follow the current instead of fighting it. I deepen myself in broody feelings and cease to see the happiness in life. I envelop myself in darkness like a mantle of shadow and I let everything play itself out in my mind. Interestingly, that provides more than enough fodder for my weblog. The downside (there is always a downside, isn't there) is that people get kind of disturbed to see me in such a black mood. I suppose that really can't be helped.
I like to think that these dark periods are a compensatory mechanism as a result of some emotional imbalance, and so they are not bad entities, that have to be suppressed. Rather, I feel that one should let them expend themselves, to right the imbalance. It's very similar to what I feel towards some kinds of sickness. Like diarrhoea. If you have diarrhoea, it means that your gut is being irritated, and it is trying to get rid of that irritation. Thus, within safe limits, one should allow the diarrhoea to continue instead of trying to curb it, in order to purge the irritant, after which one will naturally be fine. Of course, the key here is that such a concept holds within safe limits, so one should keep a delicate control over things to make sure they do not get out of hand.
I mean, it's natural that since we sometimes experience episodes of overwhelming joy, we should also experience episodes of unbearable depression, right? So why should we allow ourselves to exult in joy, but seek to close off the sorrow? Why do we shy away from feelings of melancholy, because they are considered dark emotions? I must admit that yes, these moody episodes are not easy to get through, since they make one feel so miserable. But as with most adversity, one can most definitely get through these darker times and emerge none the worse for the wear. One might even gain something from it.
I shall refrain from becoming too preachy and talk about the wonderful lessons one can learn from adversity since honestly I really can't be bothered with couching misery in glorious terms. I believe that it does no use to escape from one of the many aspects of life, this being a merely less enjoyable aspect, so one should just face up to the problems and solve them. And of course it helps to have your loved ones beside you to help you along the way. =)
Avaris / 12/11/2003 10:06:00 PM
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