Saturday, January 31, 2004

Hah! I'm actually blogging from school. What a laugh. I'm actually supposed to be mugging renal physiology but what the heck, that can wait for a while.

What a terrible week it has been, and that is no exaggeration. It is with a heavy heart (and trying not to laugh out loud using such a ridiculous cliche) that I blog this Saturday morning about the vagaries of life and about the events of the week. Many of these involve a whole lot of other people so to protect their privacies I shall not reveal too much detail but just probably expunge myself of the negativity that has made itself manifest in my thoughts as a result of them.

First. I shall not pretend to being a leader of any kind. I would readily agree that I am useless at being in any kind of position that involves control over other people. (As a sidenote I am thankful that I did not get into any of the two "great institutions" of military excellence) I know that I am submissive - I give way to anyone who makes a step towards me and I rarely hold my position and exert any form of authority because I think that it is absolutely unnecessary since the other person is, in my view, perfectly entitled to make such a move. I do not understand when people tell me to make myself heard in order to assert my position (sorry to "people", you know who you are) because I feel that I need not say anything when I have nothing to say. Indeed I greatly prefer to listen and watch, to, in a word, observe. "It is better to keep silent and be thought of as a fool, than to speak and to prove yourself a fool." And that is what I hold to, even though it may very likely be to my detriment in this world which has no place for those who observe. Ok, so I'm only a puppet, but do you think I like it anymore than anyone in the same position would? I would readily give it up, and honestly the temptation is huge. I do not know what I should do.

Second. The matter of you-know-who doing you-know-what. So I've made a few wrong moves, and I really don't agree with the methods he used to wring an explanation out of you-know-who. I am sincerely sorry that things have to end up like this and I hope that events will not spiral beyond all hope of salvation. I admit I am clueless when it comes to things like this and I'm only trying to do what I think is appropriate, even though that might not be to the liking of all parties involved, so to have my actions blow up in my face is just as unpleasant. Though of course this is nothing to do with me at all and I really understand if that person is feeling frustrated since all these little things, of which I have most regretfully contributed some part to. So I'll let the dust settle and pray that everything will be all right at the end of the day.

Third. What happened today was particularly saddening. Quite interestingly, even though I felt at first that I was a tad irritated and perhaps angry, I realized that what I was feeling was nothing at all like that. It is harder than words can explain, a mix of sadness, surprise. Kind of like being betrayed, if you like, but that is too strong a word and I dislike using it. I've got it - a misplaced trust. My heart suddenly felt like it was filled with mercury, but that again is a poor description. I suppose I was really quite surprised by things turning out the way they did, but it's ok. I'm not angry, nor am I blaming anyone. If there's anyone to blame it would be myself, for being a fool. I'm no stranger to feeling like an island, and negativity has it's second home in my heart, so things like these don't perturb me too much after a while. Pessimism is great - by constantly expecting less of people and things you are hardly ever disappointed, although sometimes when things are worse than you expect then it can give you quite a turn.

Fourth. Have you ever felt that time was running out? I feel it. Time is running out. I feel I've just crossed some invisible line into another time-space continuum and my youth is lost behind me in a world I'll never return to again. (Neverland, haha) It hurts, feeling old. I look behind and it's all lost to me except in the few precious memories I still retain. I peer forwards and all I can see for miles is the massive workload that will bury me in the course of pursuing my dream. I do not regret taking this path, and yet I hesitate here, wondering. What will happen to all my other dreams? To the time I used to have for my little pleasures in life? Are they lost to me? I do not know the answers to these questions, and the path beckons to me to find them. Yet I am afraid of what the answers might be. Uncertainties wrack me, but life goes on, and I still must keep up with the nightmarish pace of the road I tread. I can only hope, and dream.

End.

Avaris / 1/31/2004 11:48:00 AM

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