Wednesday, February 18, 2004

I went to watch Lost in Translation today at Lido. Quite a nice film, and though, as yy said, it does not have much of a storyline or ending, it is kept nicely afloat by Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson. And it was really amusing as there was this lady sitting behind me as well as this lady sitting in front of me who both kept laughing out loud at the little funny parts so causing me to laugh uncontrollably as well - laughter is contagious, if you don't know. Oh the one with the exercise machine was really really funny. Then again you might think other parts were funnier but that is just your opinion not mine.

Laughing madly at Bill Murray's antics was good; it helped me forget momentarily about certain troubles that I probably will not elaborate here. Anything I say now will just make things worse because I am really on the verge of doing something irreversible right now. I will not, though, because I can control my emotions.

Some things I have learnt about anger is that it does not appear from nothing; it obeys quite nicely the First Law of Thermodynamics. Anger, I find, boils. It simmers slowly beneath the surface, concealed by your outward emotions, sometimes even unbeknownst to you. And every time something really aggravating occurs, it adds to that simmering cauldron of poison. Like adding a shiny metal weight to a spring. So over a rather long period of time, the number of weights steadily increases until you hit the limit of proportionality. Kaboom. No more application of Hooke's law. Erm, if you are not getting what I have been saying so far, the point is, this is the point where you explode. And I suppose every person has different "limits of proportionality" - those who are more forgiving will of course have higher limits. Those who are even more impressive will be immune to aggravation (but honestly such people don't exist, otherwise they are not human).

So, when you wonder, what is it that makes a person angry, and makes him or her lose his or her temper, there is no definite answer. You understand that the anger was a result of the addition of all those little aggravations and so all of them are the reason for that anger. The most recent aggravation could only be described as the final weight, or the proverbial straw, that which sets off an irreversible chain of (extremely) exothermic reactions. But as with life there may very well be people who explode at a single stimulus or have differing experiences with anger. I would say that the above is a rather accurate description of my experience, and thus I always say that people rarely see me truly angry (most of the time I'm just peeved - there is a subtle difference) but when I hit that point, it is not a pleasant sight. If I may be a little insipid, I might describe it as tempestuous (what a laugh).

Growing up with my mother, who I must say, I take after rather keenly not only in appearance but also in disposition, I learnt to detect the point when she would not take much more aggravation before exploding: that hard note in the voice, the unusual reticence, the chilling stare. And then I would tread very carefully so as not to incur her wrath (usually my brother never fails to do that though - he's not very astute). A bit like negotiating a minefield, but with sufficient practice one can placate her with an effort, although in truth that would only delay the inevitable.

I don't see anger as anything terrible, that I should avoid. Instead, I see it as a learning experience, to understand in greater detail what makes me tick. There is no such thing as an "evil" feeling, in my opinion, since essentially there must always be a balance between the positive and negative, and too much of one over another is essentially an imbalance that goes against nature. I do not deny that I am full of negative qualities, when it comes down to it. But I don't aspire towards sainthood - I am only very human. Though of course that is no excuse for actually doing things that really should not be done. Sigh I'm getting lost in all these logic loops again.

---Every morning when I walk in, all that strikes me is the aching emptiness, the biting cold, silence punctuated with rags of speech. Only a few brave the cold - sad clusters of friends that are content in their excited conversation. Only emptiness greets me. Watching a monotony of timed powerpoint slides. Black on white on black on white. Meaningless words of a stranger. So this is what I can look forward to every morning. Being alone.---

Tomorrow will be another day. Can look forward to shui jiao tomorrow since it is a Thursday, haha.

Avaris / 2/18/2004 10:38:00 PM

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