Saturday, March 27, 2004

(Half a) Bridge Over Troubled Water

Thought I would do some blogging since I have not blogged for a rather long time (of a week, haha) and this will probably be my last blog entries before I go into mugging madness mode next week. I'm seriously seriously worried about my mugging because I tend to slack after completing quite a lot of stuff so in an overall fashion it's a rather ineffective way of studying. I will be glad to finish Anat by tomorrow so I can start Biochem on Monday. If I go on being so ineffective I can forget about getting to vivas sigh.

Oh well, so much about mugging. I wonder if there's any medical student's blog I can visit which does not have a single mention of studying. Hmm, maybe w33mz', since his last update was in February *BIG hint here*. Argh, it's like a real fever, not just those dirt-on-your-toenail varieties of exam-fever you find in junior colleges or secondary school. Scary.

Anyways, back to other more (or perhaps in view of the upcoming Profs, less) pertinent things.

Things are playing out like a typical Hollywood B-grade horror flick. Just when you thought you had resolved everything and killed all the demons and you could go back to living life normally, one day you suddenly feel an ominous presence. And a (mental) note saying, "Bet you thought I was dead, didn't you. Well I'm baaack." Which very effectively makes you fall into pieces because your fragile heart cannot take any more of this strain. Aha, so I'm being cryptic again. Well, it's just that something that I thought I had laid to rest came back to haunt me, like a spirit with unfinished business.

Basically, the spirit with unfinished business is, in my opinion, a reflection of my subconscious mind. The main message here is that I really have not been able to lay my mind to rest about this particular problem, but I sort of tried to make myself believe that I had, thus creating the polarity between reality and delusion. So it's the ghost of Reality that has come to haunt this poor deluded fellow.

Okay, so what is my freaking problem, you may ask (and probably in a more rude expression for those of you sick and tired of my Andre-the-psychiatrist-interviews-Andre-the-patient-with-a-major-psychotic-problem sessions). The problem is that a very large knot in my heart has not been untied yet even though I made myself think it was. Simple enough? However, it is not so simple that I can untie that knot myself. As the cliched saying goes, it takes two hands to clap. I can build the bridge on my side of the river, but if the other party does not build his or her half, how can we cross the river to meet each other? Haha, this is beginning to sound like cross-strait relations. And I suppose that is a rather good analogy.

So here goes my analogy, which should not be taken as any form of political sentiment (I sometimes hate the necessity for disclaimers). Suppose I am M--. I am wonderful friends with L--, but of late we have hit a few snags because of certain issues. I know I have not exactly been very fair to L--, even though he irritates me sometimes. So I say to L--, "To affirm the relations between us, let me build a brand new bridge across this strait that divides us. I will build half of it and you shall build half of it. Is that not a wonderful idea, L--?" But L-- takes out his trusty calculator and punches a few buttons. He shakes his head and goes, "But it's rather expensive. Tell you what, you build your half of the bridge as you like it, and you can join it to the causeway we already have. We can do a few renovations on our side of the causeway to make it look brand new. That would be more economical, wouldn't it?"

So what does M-- feel about L--? I mean, hey, he took the first step towards an affirmative action, but L-- doesn't seem to appreciate it. The message that L-- is sending is "Oh I appreciate all that you have done to affirm our ties, but can we do it in a less expensive manner?" Where does that leave M--, when L-- is reluctant to reciprocate M--'s goodwill? Hanging in the middle of a river with half a bridge. In other words, unresolved business.

I wonder if this is a very obvious analogy. But what the heck, sometimes people are blind to what you don't tell them to their faces. Suffice it to say that when I take the first step in doing something I expect an adequate reciprocal action. A little demanding, I may be, but I firmly believe it is no less that what I deserve. BUT I'm really don't want L-- to start feeling sorry for not doing things that he should have done. Things are all in the past now, and I am a little sorry that I have to dig up old graves that should be left alone. I suppose I just needed to get all this out in the open so I could feel better without it plaguing my thoughts everyday. So let this be my last take on the subject before it fades away into memories of a not too pleasant past. Definitely my last.

It feels good to unload everything. Now, with some peace of mind, I might be able to concentrate better on mugging. Till next time, then.

Avaris / 3/27/2004 10:38:00 AM

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