Sunday, March 07, 2004

I watched a movie yesterday! Haha, like watching a movie is a luxury I have to pray so hard for. It is when almost everyone around you is mugging like crazy and you just want to get away from all that madness. I am most positively mad, you must think. Anyway, I watched Cat in the Hat, which was insanely funny (actually I'm rather happy I decided to buy tickets for Cat instead of Girl with a Pearl Earring because people like me wouldn't appreciate highbrow stuff haha). I almost fell out of my chair laughing at a particular scene involving the Taiwanese Parliament. Hahahaha. Really mad.

By the way, did I mention that I think John Stevens (from last week's American Idol) is really really cute? He's so adorable! And he has such a charming voice too! Gush gush gush. But I don't think he'll make it very far unless he can grow like Clay Aiken (cute!) did. Oh no I should stop gushing about John Stevens like that; people will say things. Ok. Jasmin Triaz is so cute! She has a really nice smile, too. Heh.

Now that I have got the happy stuff out of the way I must get down to thrashing a few things out. This is going to be another of those entries, so if you are getting cold feet now I would suggest you go watch William Hung instead. The link is just down there. Scroll down to find it. Now that I have chased every sane person away to contribute to the traffic on williamhung.net, I shall start saying what I need to say.

Ah yes. As I was telling a friend yesterday, I sense that something is happening and I really do not like it. Cryptic indeed. So I got accused of being cynical (apparently cryptic equals cynical although how I have no idea) like a certain donkey (is his name Benjamin?) from Animal Farm (to my friend: I'm not being mean, I just found your point rather amusing). Well, I was thinking, Yes, I am cynical without a shadow of a doubt, and countless people have said that before, and I can also be sure that no one likes a cynic. Can you blame me, though, for being cynical, when you have seen so much of the less noble side of human nature? I have always been a pessimist; I find it exceedingly difficult to see the best in people when I cannot find the goodness in myself and have seen so little of the good in other people. I have no idea what to make of this attitude towards others, but I do realise that it is an entirely dislikeable trait. So I shall keep my cynicism to myself, as I have been doing all this while.

Back to the thing that troubles me. Not that I'll be any less cryptic about it because it's really not too good to make these things overly public. Sigh, if only no one was reading this. Anway, I think I have been over-reacting to too many things that I am driving myself mad with worrying over these little problems. I don't know how to put this but I keep getting hit with the awful realisation that things are falling apart too quickly. Like when you drop a stack of documents and there's a sudden gust of wind and every time you grab one sheet four fly away into oblivion. Honestly I don't think I'm that much of a control freak that I want all the documents stacked neatly in a file, but it scares me because I feel that I cannot afford to lose them. Cryptic enough? There's more.

Something I read on George's blog struck me. "...if one steps on the toes of others all the time with unresonable demands and inconsiderate behaviour... it doesn't need a new friend to win the hearts and minds of the [others] cos resentment is already present... in fact the new friend has nothing to offer.." And, although I might be over-reacting, I cannot help but wonder if this could be happening to me (George, I know you weren't referring to me, yes, but somehow it feels relevant to what I'm feeling now). Have I pushed my limits too far, that other people have moved in on the place I used to hold and I have become a thing of the past. The point is, I am trapped in this paradox where I am terribly hurt by thinking that this could be so, and yet I do not want anyone's pity or comfort that is borne of guilt towards me. I do not want anyone to feel that they have done me a disservice by their actions because they have the freedom to make the choices they want to make, and I cannot control their decisions. It all comes down to the fact that if they are happier by making certain decisions I cannot help but be happy for them, even if I am left behind. I would like to wish that it is not happening, but if it is I would like to be prepared for the eventualities. All I need to know is that they would truly be happy.

I find it so laughable that, even though I always say I cannot be bothered if people don't like me or cannot stand being around me, but in all truth I wonder if I can be truly that dislikeable? I would think that if a person found me detestable he would most probably never be a truly close friend because there would always be an element of strain in that friendship. Sometimes I would like to think that I would be able to accept people telling me what they hate about me, but then again I really don't think I could. I don't understand why. At times, I find that I have to bend over backwards to conform to what people around me view as acceptable, which is a real strain because when I'm around these people I feel that my personality is so restricted to only a certain few facets that are "palatable" while the more controversial aspects have to be concealed. Most of the time I really do not mind because I'm happy as long as they are happy. People never see the strain you are under, though, and you really can't show it because you don't want them to feel that it is their fault. What hurts me truly is people who are never happy with you no matter what you do, and that demand ever so much from you even though you are already half broken with bending over. It is during these situations that you would wonder whether what you are doing is worth it, because you feel like you are hanging on to someone who would gladly be rid of you. I really do not know sometimes. I always say I'm happier being alone but in all truth it is terrible to be alone; you feel that you could just drop dead and everyone would just walk past your body without seeing and caring.

What am I expecting with this entry? Sympathy? No, not at all. I would rather you forget about this entire entry after you read it. I just really really needed to get some things off my chest because they were really driving me to the point of insomnia; usually I'm really not that open with some of my feelings because they closely involve people I know and I don't really want them to tiptoe around me, afraid of affecting my emotions like I am some massive Balrog or something. I'm just more affected by little things than most other people because I perenially over-react but that does not mean I want everyone to give in to me. On the contrary I wish there wasn't so much restraint in the friendships I have with people because I find that too many of the people I know are just people I could talk with the weather about, but not people who I can spend time with, if you understand what I mean. It becomes so superficial when you start worrying about doing things that would offend someone else when that person is your friend because friendship then becomes so terribly formal. Truly close friends don't have to be formal to each other; they've gone past that stage.

The most important thing to learn in life sometimes is to know when to let go when there's no point in holding on. I suppose it's time I learnt that.

Postscript: Nothing in this previous entry was made in reference to any particular person. Please refrain from needless speculation.

Avaris / 3/07/2004 02:36:00 PM

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