Saturday, December 18, 2004

Clouds and Linings

As far as lists of bad-things-to-happen-to-you-ever go, high up on those lists might be losing one's handphone, though of course below other ghastly things like meeting an accident or getting cancer or killing someone by mistake. It doesn't even have to happen to you; just thinking about it gives you an idea of just how absolutely ghastly losing a handphone is. People nowadays are just too reliant on their handphones as an indispensable tool of communication.

Well, now, you can all try to guess where I'm going with this, if you haven't already surmised. Yes, I lost my handphone today. It's really really hard to explain how I lost it, but I think I was juggling too many things in my hands and in the process of transferring things in and out of my bag I sort of lost track of where the handphone was and only realised I didn't have it sometime later. What a totally undramatic way to lose a handphone. And troublesome too. Thanks to Joseph for tracing my steps backward together with me in the rain hoping to find it on the floor somewhere. Sorry for all the trouble I caused to all the people I was with.

Ah, as they say in that awful cliche, every cloud has a silver lining. My handphone was awfully old (and a pass-down from my younger brother, no less) and in need of a change soon, so better now than later, I suppose.

It takes more than a misplaced handphone to mar the day, so things got better at the NHG party in the evening, that I attended with a few other Medsoc members. At the risk of going completely mad gushing about how much fun I had (this is an exaggeration), I think the food was really nice, the atmosphere was comfortable, the company was great, and barring some rather irritating cutlery malfunctions, it was a wonderful experience. There, I did it without gushing. And, to top it all off, there was this astrologer lady who read palms and told futures, providing us with lots of entertainment. Well, I never really believe too much in fortunes but I suppose it's somewhat entertaining to hear one's fortune told, whether one finds it accurate or not. I generally find that human beings are all too ready to hear good things about their future, but just as readily express scepticism about any bad foretellings.

Sometime long long ago I wrote a post wondering whether or not I was living a lie. I still haven't figured it out yet, and everyday I still ask myself where the lie stops and reality begins. Let's say (just an example, not a real scenario) I am self-centred, but I refuse to accept the fact that I am indeed self-centred and try to convince myself that I am capable of thinking of other people as well as myself, if not other people above myself. That kind of self-talk would be, technically, a lie that goes against what one truly is, or one's basic personality/character (even after PDCP I still have no idea what the difference between those two is), and yet, it could be called a white lie, since it is ostensibly for the good of myself that I "lie". But this is a simple example. What if the boundary between the "truth" and the "lie" is so hazy that one cannot possibly tell if the "lie" is in fact more favourable than the "truth", then what does one choose? Especially if, after years of "lying" to oneself about one's inclinations and predilections, the "lie" is no longer a lie but becomes a truth. I suppose that's how a person's character is built up from what it is at the baseline.

What really bothers me sometimes is I never know if the things I figure out about my own personality is real or is my mind trying to fool itself by covering the bad parts with silver linings, to disguise the rot that lies beneath. I have no idea why it bothers me so much. It's almost as if I want to see myself as some dark depraved monster inside, because goodness knows I sometimes suspect that I am (how frightening).

Now you're confused. Apologies for that little loop of questionable logic there, but there's really a lot more behind all these thoughts that I cannot say, so a lot of it makes sense to me but not to you. Maybe a detailed exploration is meant for another place and time.

Avaris / 12/18/2004 01:43:00 AM

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