Saturday, December 04, 2004

The more bridges you try to build, the faster they fall apart

Yeah, I know, I haven't blogged for a long time. I apologise for making you put up with my awful WML song everytime you open this page. I'm not too sure why I have nothing to say lately, when just two weeks ago I was practically bursting with blog ideas. All I can say is that right now in my life I seem to be grappling with some problems, and what's really strange about it is that I can't quite say what those problems are and what caused them, or what I can do to make them better. All I know is that something is not quite right. That feeling of there being something wrong is so pervasive that I cannot quite ignore it, and it's making me quite cranky at times.

Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell is a fantastic book, even if it is frightfully thick (it really is just because the paper is thicker than your run-of-the-mill book paper; Infinite Jest had 1097 pages and it was about the same size and weight, really). But I'm going through JSaMN at a pretty slow speed, because I want to slowly savour the story (that's a euphemism for "I read like a snail", which is the actual truth) which is superbly written, as I have said. Even when nothing much happens, the narrative is gripping. In fact, I find the parts where the magicians sit around conversing and musing to be more exciting than those where they go out and do magic, because the former is where you get a glimpse of the inner thoughts and complexities of the characters which gives the story its feeling of reality and vivid-ness.

The chapter when Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell went their separate ways was really quite poignant for me. In some ways I find that I identify with what Mr Norrell feels, and at that point in time I could really feel his sorrow at Strange's departure tearing at his heart (and mine). All he has ever hoped for is another magician with whom he can discuss magic, and whose companionship he can enjoy, and yet for all his longing and efforts to please that companion, his habits of secrecy and stubborn ways cause his companion to leave him. Sometimes I feel that all I want is to have a simple conversation with another person, but for all that I crave that person's companionship I wonder if that person might be equally averse to it. I know that at times I wish for nothing but to be alone when other people wish to talk to me, so I cannot begrudge others their right to avoid conversation. Perhaps I try too hard. Perhaps I am too selfish in my wish for companionship, that I ignore the needs and feelings of others. Perhaps I should let things lie for a while, even though it gnaws at me every day.

How laughable. When you feel lonely, and the people you want to talk to don't want to talk to you, and the people who want to talk to you, you don't want to talk to. How ironic. Of all things, I appreciate irony the most, so at least I am not totally depressed at my current situation. In fact, I am grinning sardonically as I type this (hopefully not due to Clostridium tetani). No, one can't be depressed all the time, that would be too depressing.

I am starting to wonder if I have gotten so used to spending but a couple of hours in school everyday that having more classes every day for a week exhausts me. Because at 1 pm yesterday afternoon I wanted nothing more than to be in bed at home when normally I would be looking forward to a pathology tutorial. I felt utterly spent, and add that to the fact that my patho tutor was not the highly amusing Y S Lee that usually takes my group, what you get is a frightfully boring tutorial. If having a more packed timetable for one week leaves me feeling like this, I dread the lethargy I will feel at the end of one week of clinics. Oh boy.

And I know your ears have been tormented by the same music for over two weeks now, but I really like the song, and right now I am feeling too tired to convert another mp3 file into a wma file and upload it and change my blog code so that there will be a new song on the blog. So bear with me for a bit longer while I work up the necessary momentum to do something about it. All I've been doing for the greater part of the past few days is alternately looking at the bittorrent window while I download Gundam Seed, reading Bleach manga and waiting for the next Bleach release from Anime-Keep, which is a frightful dearth of activity, considering that I have 347 surveys to collate the results of, 300-odd pages of a book to finish, and 2 months worth of year two curriculum to catch up on for the next CA, which, incidentally, is only a little bit more than a month away. Start screaming. That's what I did yesterday (believe me, the feeling of impending doom is never a nice thing to experience), after which I picked up Jawetz and got no further than 3 pages. Sheesh.

Have I said that Bleach seriously rocks as a manga and anime? Nope, I haven't said it yet, except on MSN and in my comments box. The shinigami concept is really cool, in my opinion, and I think Kuchiki Rukia is the coolest and at the same time most amusing female manga/anime character I have ever seen (which, again, is easy enough to say since I have seen so few animes/mangas). I like her hair. :P

Ah well, I've rambled enough. That's all for now.

Avaris / 12/04/2004 05:51:00 PM

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