Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Au Naturel

A good friend asked me some time ago, back when this blog was in its infancy, why it was that I had a French quote hanging about in the [ about ] column over there on the left, when one might expect me to favour a Japanese quote. A silly reason for that would be because I don't know any Japanese quotes (it's terribly hard to open any book about the history of science or medicine and find Japanese quotes lying around, I'm sure you'll agree). But a better reason is that I find a lot of resonance in the quote (like duh).

Looking back on my life, I suppose one of the most significant things I learnt from my childhood was that observing is far more important that just plainly seeing. My father would constantly remind me to "observe" my surroundings, basically just pay more attention to them, and I think it's probably the most important lesson my father has taught me in life (well, I just can't think of anything more important right now, but I have a feeling I've learnt a lot from my dad). He would always ask me, "Are you observing?" and I think that kind of instilled in me the habit of looking beyond mere appearances, to think more deeply about why people do certain things instead of just accepting that they did those things.

I think observing people has given me a greater sense of connection with other people, in terms of understanding that one can never achieve a full understanding (know that you'll never really know - I love that) of why people do certain things the way they do, because if there's a ten-dollar note lying on the floor, what determines whether a person just bends and picks it up, looks around before snatching it off the ground, bends down to tie his shoelace and palming the note in the process, or stares at the note before walking away? Unfortunately that means I'm that kind of person who stands around staring at other people observing what they do.

Well, not exactly. One of the curses of constantly being observant of other people is that I constantly feel like I'm being observed by other people, and that results in a very very high self-consciousness that guarantees that I'll be completely unable of being natural unless I'm completely sure there is absolutely no person around me who can see what I'm doing. It's insane, and if you've ever had the feeling that you're being watched by somebody then you'll know what I mean. You try to ignore the watching as much as possible, but in trying to act natural, you're still acting, and you're definitely not natural. I tend to be susceptible to doing exaggerated actions like staring intently at boring posters or just a particular spot on the wall as if it were the most fascinating thing in the world, or fiddling around with my handphone doing nothing at all. Which is why I always carry a book around when taking public transport; it's always comforting to stick your nose into a book, and then you really can't be bothered if people are looking.

Public transport is really the worst, especially MRTs. There are so many people around that I keep having to be conscious of my actions because anyone can see what you're doing, since MRTs are so open. All this means that ironically, I am totally incapable of observing people in situations where there are lots of people for me to observe, because I worry that people will observe me observing other people. It's really stupid and self-defeating, and sometimes I wonder why I can't just get rid of the self-consciousness, but I just accept that I'm born that way. Some people are born to be actors and some people aren't. Most of the time it's not a matter of whether you can change it by your will alone.

I'm really tired now and I don't think I want to really expand this a lot further, otherwise I'd start talking about reality television and how it's great for people like me who want to observe without being observed, but it's a big farce because the people on reality television are obviously cognizant of the fact that they are being filmed, and are hardly expected to behave naturally, but simply try to act natural, which will only be acting, no matter how "natural". And even blogs are like reality television in a way, because people who write blogs will know all too well that their work is being read and will thus naturally take on a different personality online.

At the end of the day, you just feel that everything is fake and full of pretense, and I suppose that's why it's really nice to meet someone who is so honest with himself or herself as well as with other people. It's like a breath of fresh air, and yet it's more often than not frowned upon because people have become so used to acting, to pretending to be meek when they're furious, to smile when they're frustrated or be stoic when they're sad, to blunt all these raw emotions with more acceptable public masks, so much so that to meet someone who doesn't take effort to hide these emotions is both refreshing and unsettling at the same time. If someone walked out of his house naked, would you admire his bravery, or be disgusted? I know a person whose frankness is often interpreted as airheadedness, and I must say I have often felt that way myself, and yet I find myself deeply admiring this person's honesty, because it's really rare these days, and try as I might I can never be completely honest with myself and others. I think that's really really sad.


More mundane squeaks: The new Revenge of the Sith trailer is really thrilling, which makes me really want to run to the cinema and start camping in wait for May 17. The picture quality looks awesome, and unfortunately I love to see evil triumph, so I'd quite love this movie. Don't kill me for this. Well at least we can all be comforted by the fact that good old Yoda does not die. :D Watch the trailer here. There appears to be a battle beyween the Emperor and Yoda, and I'm looking forward to that more than the one between Obi-Wan and Anakin.

OMG I was just watching the Seed Festival today and got a shock when I realised that the Vivian who sings the second Gundam Seed OP ~moment is actually Vivian Hsu a.k.a. Xu(2) Ruo(4) Xuan(1). How amazing. And she's the seiyuu for Aisha too. God I'm retarded.

Avaris / 3/15/2005 09:50:00 PM

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