Thursday, March 03, 2005
Falling
I don't know. I feel really weird and out of sorts. I suppose when you have a person like me who is so incorrigibly cynical I really can't bring myself to think of me as a nice person. Everytime I want to do something there's always this voice in my head asking me whether I sincerely mean it or I'm just doing it because I'm obliged to, that it's the "right thing to do". And if I try to think about it I just drive myself nuts with all the loops my mind gets caught in.
Some people will wonder how I can be unsure of what my real intentions are behind my actions when it's my own mind I'm talking about, but it happens. It's like when I'm staring at my Pharmacology paper and I think heparin causes thrombocytopenia but I'm not really sure because I don't have a definite memory, then I tell myself that I'm quite sure I've read that heparin causes thrombocytopenia. And then I start wondering if I'm just telling myself that because it's actually true, or I'm just comforting myself into shading that circle. So I never really trust myself because I always think my mind is lying to itself. How bizarre.
And wow I thought Pharmaco was ok, but dozens of people left less blanks than me. Sigh I really shouldn't let these things bother me, because they're just numbers, but I can't help it. At the beginning of this year I told myself to stop trying to be the best in everything, but up till now I haven't really been able to let go, even if I'm really not trying anymore. Maybe I'm really secretly trying and just pretending not to try to fool myself into thinking I'm more exalted than I actually am. I'm such a wreck.
Maybe it's not so good a thing as everyone makes it out to be, not swinging the bat. It may make you feel safer and maybe a little happier, but not happy in the way that swinging the bat makes you feel happy. Because when you swing the bat at least you know you've done what you can, you know? Now it's just like you're scared to swing, so you can hide your failure behind the fact that you didn't bother swinging. In many ways I've always been hiding. I should just swing the bloody bat. [The "swinging the bat" analogy comes from FLCL, if you're totally confused. I'll try and explain it one day when there's time, but it's pretty clear here I think]
I did the Medical Aptitude Test that reached me by email (and also seen on plhu's blog) and I think it's a load of rubbish, because they keep paraphrasing the same questions to make an insane 130 questions, which was totally unnecessary in my opinion, and it recommended that I be a radiologist. Pooh. I don't like radiology. I'd prefer Technicolor to 16 million shades of gray any day, thank you very much. Really. Following that was a whole bunch of internal medicine specialties like endocrinology, opthalmology, neuro, dermato and stuff, which are admittedly the things I'm more interested in, though with my violent allergic reaction to Patho I might not do too well at. The only really amusing part of the survey was the question "I tend to: Be a good Coordinator". That tickled me a lot.
More quizzes, because I can't make any sense out of epidemiology (but I love stats! Maybe I should have done Maths or something):
| You scored as Unipolar Depression. Congraulations! You are depressed! You know just how it feels to bear all the world's burdens, and the value of a 19-hour night's sleep. And you really hate that circle-guy thing on your Zoloft pill packets.
Unipolar Depression | | 67% | Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder | | 42% | Antisocial Personality Disorder | | 33% | Borderline Personality Disorder | | 17% | Schizophrenia | | 8% | Eating Disorders | | 0% |
Which mental disorder do you have?
created with QuizFarm.com |
It's really inappropriate to say I'm depressed, just because. Sigh. I don't even think this entire blog post is appropriate. But yeah, I'm a closet anarchist. Anarchy rules any day. Just don't ask me to live in it.
Gundam Seed Destiny is getting really really weird. Rey turning into a wreck in front of Gil got me going aww and then a second later OMG what's this all about? And Pink Zaku, oh my eyes. Meer, oh my eyes and ears. And Sting's awful purple tube top. Are the Destiny producers creative, or just plain sadistic?
I saw Gundam Seed figurines today. Really really really want them.
A Level results are out tomorrow. I'm hoping my juniors will do well.
It's really weird looking at paragraphs that only take up one line. Just weird.
Avaris / 3/03/2005 08:14:00 PM
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