Monday, March 07, 2005

I Can Smile At The Old Days

Oh, right. I just watched Gundam Seed Destiny Phase 20 and I feel the need to rant and rave a bit, because I'm crazy like that, and I need to get away from studying, if only for a few minutes. I was starting to get a little tired of the constant flashbacks in Destiny (I mean, Athrun has a flashback of Fllay, whom he has never even seen! That's ridiculous, really.) but I thought this flashback episode was a nice one. On the one hand, it's nice to have a recap of the last series just to fall in love with it all over again (and I just keep thinking how the last one was better than Destiny, and I'll probably never love the new characters in Destiny as much as I loved the characters in Seed). On the other hand, having Shinn narrating the story helped to build his character up in my mind, even though there wasn't much action. At least now I know a little more about him, and sort of sympathise with him instead of getting irritated with his constant angsting. But I still think it's bizarre how he can fluctuate between the two extremes of angsty bitch and excited teenager. (Hmm really I shouldn't wonder, I do the same myself - yep, I can be such a bitch at times, too.)

I think I'm getting more and more obsessed with this escapism thing. I just keep feeling like I need to get away, that I need to watch some anime episodes or watch some melodramatic Taiwanese serial or just blog incessantly, or I'll go mad. Today I was reading Patho and all of a sudden I felt so horribly sick and I had this awful feeling that if I read any more I would throw up. Some people, like Chi Hsien, have expressed concern about the things I've been writing here for the past few days, what with the CA fever hanging around like some toxic miasma, and I am very grateful for their concern, but I can't help wondering if I'm just escaping from the facts because I'm afraid to push myself to the limit. I don't know, I'm feeling very confused right now, but I'm all right and I think all this will pass with the end of the CAs. Goodness knows how much worse it will be when the Year 4 exams roll around though. At least I have two years to make myself like Patho.

I read this story on someone's blog: Once upon a time there was a young Russian journalist who could remember everything he saw. If you gave him a list, he would remember it in minutes and he would remember it forever. Eventually, he committed suicide. Forgetting is a defence mechanism. Sometimes it would be nice to remember things selectively and forget things selectively. I cannot for the life of me remember what it was like on my first day of primary school, or any day in primary school where I wasn't getting into trouble (maybe I consistently got into trouble so I'd remember the times I had in primary school), nor can I remember much from my first days in RI besides being really blur, and I can't remember what my first day in BMT was like. I wish I could remember all these things, because they're things I would think are important. But maybe I just reflexively forget about them because I was so traumatised by the feeling of insecurity at being thrown into a new situation.

The things I remember are the weird things; the things that get me into trouble. Like how I'd scold my primary school teachers for being inept and I'd read story books during class because I knew everything that was being taught, and my mom would always be called to school by my teachers to hear their complaints. Like how I made my mom come down to school in Primary Six while I was making my IC because I didn't want my Chinese name in it. Like how I screamed at my classmate in Sec One and my voice sounded like my Maths teacher (who was female, by the way), and how I'd draw ugly caricatures of this foreign student in Sec Two and I got caught once by my form teacher who acerbically commented that I should use my artistic skills for more meaningful things. Like how I stuck my head into my locker to eat sandwiches because there was this teacher sitting in my classroom and I couldn't eat in front of her because of school rules, and how I'd plug my discman into the classroom speakers during recess to play Ayumi Hamasaki CDs, and draw anime pictures on the whiteboard. And how I laughed at a JC classmate when he asked during Chinese class, "Who is Zhu Ba Jie?", and how I'd do all my Math lecture examples in advance and spend lectures doing tutorials so I'd go home and do nothing. Wow I could go on and on now but I think I'll stop.

I don't mind remembering these things, because they're interesting memories, but I also remember totally useless things, like horror stories I read in primary school and which pop up from time to time into my head to scare me silly. Hmm, I always thought I had too many useless memories, but now that I think of it, most of my memories are quite interesting. I suppose sometimes forgetting is a good way of escaping from distressing events, but one cannot possibly will one's mind to forget something; that will only make the memory stronger.

Yeah I'm like totally rambling again. It was really fun to take a walk down memory lane though. Ok, back to Mycology. (Edit: I went back and read this post again and it was filled with so many errors! Apologies.)

Avaris / 3/07/2005 08:30:00 PM

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