Sunday, March 20, 2005
Words are all I have
Dear me, I was thinking of studying but ended up writing a blog entry instead. Let's settle all the little things first before delving into deeper stuff.
I have this feeling I've been reading too many blogs and journals written by Americans, because sometimes I read what I write and I go, Gosh I sound like an American teenage girl or something. And yes, it's true because I tend to be really influenced by things I read and hear because my brainwaves get easily tuned like that. Like after I watch Harry Potter I'll walk out of the cinema thinking and almost speaking in British English, and likewise I get really influenced by Indian lecturers and their accents. I suppose in a way that's why I can imitate people, because my expressive speech area (should be expressive right? Maybe the receptive area is also involved. And woe is me because I can't remember which is Broca's and which is Wernicke's. Bah) is readily tuned to the little inflections and accents that people have. But the point is I should stop writing like an American teenager, because that's just silly.
Gosh I still sound like it. I need to read something that is good old British. Lots of it.
One of those little slang things I tend to pick up nowadays (goodness knows I wouldn't have touched slang years ago, but things change) is this composite contraption called ~kthxbai that I see being used on forums all the time. It's quite cute, really; what it is is a contraction and amalgamation of Ok, Thanks, and Bye into one word, thus ~kthxbai. And it's amusing too how the only place where it could actually be thought of as something totally different from what it's meant for is in Asia where we are all too familiar with the use of the last three letters in conjunction with some other unpleasant utterances. In all honesty when I first saw it I thought Oh my did this person just use a bad word?
One of the reasons why I love it is because it really encapsulates a composite of emotions and states besides just being an amalgamation of words. Somehow when I use it I have the feeling that I'm sort of imposing on the person that I'm talking to, and I just want to be off in a hurry to stop disturbing that person and still express my gratitude for that person's help. I just had this very strong feeling the days before the CAs on MSN, like a lot of people I tried to talk to was in a hurry to go off and fill their brains with stuff rather than talk (yeah, I should know better than to go around expecting a decent conversation before a CA). Example:
A: Hello can I just check with you if blah blah blah.
B: No idea.
A: Oh ok then nevermind. Just thought you might know.
B: I don't.
A: (thinking to himself eeks it's time to get the hell out of here)~kthxbai :)
Yup, you get the idea. But I don't use it all the time. In fact I've only used it once, because it's pointless if I understand what it means but people don't and think it's some bad word. It's so American though, so much like the way they mangle everything in the English language.
I have been thinking long and hard about a lot of things lately. It's lousy when you sit at home and don't come into contact with anyone from school except on MSN, and to call MSN a way of social interaction is pushing it a bit, although it really isn't that bad. Still, nothing beats real conversation any day even though I must admit that I am totally inept at it. I suppose what's bothering me these days is that I'm just feeling rather lonely being at home all the time, and when I'm lonely I just start to wallow around in misery which is a really tiresome thing to do. So I was just wondering how is it I can sometimes tell myself that I'd rather enjoy being alone than face up to the stress of human interaction, and I realised that maybe it's because I'm sure that even if I didn't like being alone, I'd have friends to return to the company of.
It's funny how we only have the luxury of choice to be lonely when we can always count on people to talk to when we get tired of loneliness. But really, I hate loneliness. Who doesn't? Sometimes I just need a little peace and quiet, some space to order my thoughts, but I'd be really depressed if I didn't have such good friends to turn to when I need them. Sometimes I get really afraid that I'll end up pushing all my friends far away from me because of my terrible temperament, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because I'll become moody and snappy towards them because of my fear, and it's all really really stupid. I'm a stupid person when it comes to relationships and it never seems to change.
I think it's definitely not easy to nurture a close friendship with somebody, especially not with someone like me who's so demanding and temperamental, so I'm sometimes really afraid to lose a close friend, and I tend to over-react when close friends do unexpected things, because that to me is the first sign of the fact that things are no longer what they used to be and my sense of security in the way things are is slowly evaporating. I don't want to let little things get in the way of a close bond, but it's inevitable because some things just get stuck and won't come out. I know I can't change myself for someone else, and sometimes I just have to accept things as they change, but it's just so hard.
I'm totally rubbishing all over the blog again. Apologies for making you read all this. Soukyuu no Fafner is making me so emotional! Oh woe oh woe I suddenly feel like running to La Tendo and buying random Gundam SEED stuff, like photo cards, just for fun.
Avaris / 3/20/2005 11:33:00 PM
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