Sunday, April 30, 2006

I feel like I'm writing a will

Here's something really meaningful that Zf posted on his blog, so I decided to have a go at it too. In our culture, especially, where it's not everyday you get to tell the people who are important to you what you really want to say to them, this provides a pretty good excuse to do so. So in case I get knocked down by a car or something (choy!), at least I'll know I've said what I want to, and have one less regret in life.

The rules:
- Write what you want to say to 5-10 different people, but know you probably never will
- You CANNOT say who they are
- If someone asks which is about them, you CANNOT tell.
- Feel free to comment, but I'm not confirming or answering anything. It might be you, it might not be. (And knowing how I don't keep secrets well, I'd appreciate if you don't persist in questioning me about it, haha)

I'm not going to tag anyone (though it was probably included in the original rules, but hey, rules are modifiable) but if you think it's a meaningful exercise feel free to be tagged.

In no particular order of merit (including people who don't read my blog):

1. I haven't really talked to you in the longest time, and it's not because I'm still angry with you or I hate you or anything, but it's just that I'm afraid of what you might think of me, after all that I've done. It's a ridiculously stupid reason, or more of an excuse, but sometimes little things can be debilitating. It's good that we're living in a kind of peaceful equilibrium right now, and I guess since we're so different there's little we can talk about anyway. I hope you don't hate me or despise me, though I've no right to do so, and I'm glad that you've found a meaningful path to follow in your life.

2. I know nothing I can do will ever be enough to repay all that you've done for me, and I know you never expect anything in return so I can only love you as much as I can and hope that you feel it. We're so similar in character that we sometimes clash, and lose our tempers at one another, but it's also because of our similar temperaments that we understand one another so well. Please keep in good health so I can continue to return the love you have given to me.

3. You probably know it's you I'm writing about the moment you read this, but I don't think I can express enough gratitude for having such a wonderful friend like you. It was your persistence that brought us through the worst conflicts, and because of your constant efforts to keep the friendship going that it's lasted so long, and will probably go on for many more years. One of the really few people (perhaps the only one) who understands me so well it's scary, and I feel sorry for not being able to return it with a similar understanding of your personality. I just hope it's been as good having me as a friend as it's been being yours. I enjoy all the times we talk, because at times it's the only good conversation I manage to get with any of my friends. I wish you all the very best; even though you're facing quite a bit of problems now I'm sure you'll overcome them and be an even stronger person. To many more years of friendship!

4. You're another of my friends who gives so much to the friendship, so much so that I always feel daunted by the extent you put in, and worry that I'm not doing enough. I'm very sorry that I don't place you at the top of my priority list of friends, and I think you know that as well, but sometimes life is like that and we can't hope to be the most important person in another person's life even though they may be the most important in ours. I hope you can understand, and know that I really treasure you very much as a confidante, and if there have been times that I've inadvertently treated you badly I'm very sorry for them.

5. Our friendship has certainly been through its share of ups and downs, but I think all this only contributes to a stronger bond with a better understanding of one another's personalities and the sides we don't show to those who are not the closest to us. Certainly you've been very tolerant of my bigotry, for which I am apologetic and have tried very hard to see things in your perspective, and if you're angry at the things I've said before I guess that's to be expected because I said some really terrible things back then. Nevertheless you're always the person who can make me smile when I'm down, even when you're down yourself. We may not be the closest of friends now, but you're quite special to me, and I hope we'll be able to continue our great friendship for a long time to come.

6. You're the friend who makes me feel like my life is worthwhile living even though I can feel thoroughly wretched at times. You're always so accepting of the flaws in others that it's almost surreal, because we hardly ever see you being angry at others. In a way I depend on you to keep me afloat through the worst times, and I know it's too much of a burden to place on a friend, especially when that friend has problems of his or her own, so I try very hard not to be a pain in the neck, and hope you don't find me an annoyance. I think it's sad that we don't really engage in conversations very much, maybe it's because we don't really have many similar interests, and I'm always envious of the way you can have such in-depth conversations with other people, but I really shouldn't be, sigh. Thanks for being a great friend and an invaluable source of support, I really don't know where to begin to thank you.

7. I know at times I can be a horrible person to you, and it's not because I hate you, but I just get very frustrated with the way you face the world. In many ways you behave like the world revolves around you, but it doesn't, and I think you need to learn that at some point in your life and get your life in order because if you go on like this you're going to have a really miserable future. Thus when we advise you about it it might be prudent for you to actually work on that advice instead of retreating into your shell. It might be harsh, but who said the world's a garden path, and it's really for your own good in the end. I've been there before and I know how much better it gets when you change your attitude, believe me, and I also know that it's not easy, but it's all up to you. Sorry to be so admonishing, but you're a really great person and it's such a waste to spoil that with a lousy attitude towards life.

8. You're the person that I hardly know much about, and we're kind of like acquaintances, but I feel that we understand one another so much, and I wish we could bring it to a deeper level of understanding. Sometimes I feel that certain issues hamper the mutual understanding among some of my friends, so it's nice to not have those issues stand in way of our understanding of one another. Hope that we'll have more chances to build a stronger friendship in the years ahead. (This is to a group of people that have something in common, because I realised it sounds rather like an SDU self-promo, *gag*)

Some posts are really rather obvious, and it's probably not such a good idea to be so directed because then the whole world knows who you're talking about and the veil of anonymity is ripped to shreds, but this is probably the only chance I have to be candid about certain issues so I'll just be more obvious. If you know which paragraph I've "dedicated" to you I can only implore that you not ask me for confirmation or give me any indication that you know, because I'd prefer the illusion of anonymity, however stupid that may sound. It just feels weird to know that someone knows all that mushy stuff you just wrote was for him or her. (Yar I'm so traditional Asian, bleh)

Have a good long weekend. I have to make a presentation on acute viral hepatitis on Tuesday and have absolutely NO idea how to go about doing it.

Avaris / 4/30/2006 02:24:00 PM

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