Thursday, March 12, 2015

123-4

It's a little strange how we accord importance to days which feel like any other days - birthdays, anniversaries, festivals. It feels like a marker, a waystone in the long long road of life, like "Oh here, we've passed the 2 year mark, wow!" But the river of time keeps flowing and the marker fades behind, only for another to appear over the horizon. Over and over until we are gone and future generations take our place.

Today I commemorate the fourth year since my beloved Dad left us. My brother wrote a really moving note about grief on his Instagram - I was walking to the MRT while reading it and my eyes teared up pretty badly. I'm kind of at a loss for words; there's so much I could say and yet I just can't make it sound right. The feelings that seek to burst through my fingertips but make a mess on the keyboard. Perhaps it's good enough that I feel them, and not seek to make all of them known.

Time does make things a little less painful but the best memories remain. So many times in the past 4 years I find myself remembering you by the way you touched my life and how amazing and selfless a father you were. How everything would have been so different without you around. And how everything is so different now that you aren't. You were such a bulwark for the cowardly me and it's a terrible shame I didn't see that more clearly until you were gone. We always take for granted what's always there, until it's taken away. I miss you and sometimes your absence is so tangible that it is almost too hard to bear. Every time I see you in my dreams I'm crying, but I'm happy that you are healthy and whole in my dreams, not the sickly blind husk the cancer made of you at the end.

I truly hope that you are having a fantastic time wherever you are now, and that maybe you can see us or know that we are doing well, and loving you just as dearly. This house truly aches for your voice and laughter in its rooms. My arms ache for your warmth and steadfast strength. What can I say about my heart?

Goodnight, Daddy. Love you forever.

Avaris / 3/12/2015 11:07:00 PM

0 consumed